Homeopathy & Post Treatment Blues

A lot has happened.

The same day as my introduction to Chinese medicine, I started taking a remedy discussed in homeopathy. I've done this before because other remedies kind of looked like me.

I'm talking about magic, a.k.a. homeopathy. We are forced to go through, even the most randomized control research study lovers, 5 courses of homeopathy to get through naturopathic school. For many, this is a big issue; others gravitate towards it. I figured if I'm going to be spending so much time on it, I may as well open my mind to the practice, despite its incredulous base. Lots of people I respect as physicians practice homeopathy. I just pretend I'm at Hogwart's and long for required black robes and broom sticks.

Homeopathy is magic because it's not understood in our current frame of reality. Homeopaths explain that the rabbit comes out of the hat by means of energy. Let's take a substance that makes you convulse - maybe some mushroom in the Amazon. Some poor sap takes it and records all feelings, dreams, physical symptoms, (including convulsion), and hopefully recovers. All of it's recorded and different poor saps log their results at the same time. In the end they come together and compare notes - "oh, you felt depressed and melancholy too?" and "Seriously? You dreamed of a rabid dog?"


Then we take the shroom, mix it up in alcohol and dilute it down to the point that modern science can't even measure an atom of substance in it, each step whacking it on the counter hundreds of times to increase the energy within the vial. We tease Father Andrew in our class, who despises homeopathy for it's lack of evidence & consistency, that he should take some holy water and beat it on the Bible to make it more potent so he can arm himself before entering the classroom.



We take one drop and put it in a vial of sugar pills, shake it up and wait for someone to come in saying "I'm melancholy, depressed and I have seizures... oh, I also have had this dream of this rabid dog since I was a kid." I'm oversimplifying, but that's basically the concept. We give him the remedy and miraculously, his seizures go away, he's happy, no more nightmares and he also rekindles a relationship with his mother and is free of his unmentioned back pain. The remedy would have caused his symptoms in a high dose, but giving him the tiny dose was like showing his body/mind the direction he was headed for so long. It's like you've been walking straight for a long time not noticing that you're slightly going to the left. The remedy comes up and shoves you from behind in the direction you were going, you turn around to fight it and see that you've been going left this whole time. You correct.

I started taking a remedy, (even if it's placebo & I cure my epilepsy, I ain't going blind researching how it did it), and my ancient Chinese herb formula at the same time - both of which, mind you, are proclaimed useless by today's powerful pharmaceutical companies.

THEN...

It awoke the beast.

I don't know which one did it & I forgot that I'd taken both. Over the week I started getting depressed. I responded really dramatically to little stressors, (moreso than usual by far). I knew I should have been embarrassed - hold it together at least in public! - but I simply wasn't. I didn't give a flying orangutan. Not one. All was lost. I started having night terrors. I felt absolutely... like I did right before my seizures started when I was 14 years old.

There I am on Saturday morning giving CPR to a fake baby in class and I start to twitch - sudden jolts shake the baby and I quickly threw the plastic bundle of joy on my partner’s lap and breathed in, stunned. I just wanted to get away from everyone. I was one of the last ones out that day because I was having a really hard time comprehending the relatively easy CPR exam.

Anyway, twitching, nightmares and having deep depression for no real reason was very unexpected. There’s a theory of unraveling issues – like peeling back an onion of sickness. The theory is that all pathology results from yourself trying to deal. It builds pathology - sure, you don't have the rash you had chronically as a kid, now you have asthma. It's all about the immune system. Would it surprise you if when you lift one weight off the body, it goes lifts in stages to the next obstacle? That is, once you get rid of the asthma (which many medicine practices around the world say they can) you would get your eczema back.

Did I mention I got a very weird itchy rash that I thought might be fungus or something? Strange pattern on my whole body - I don't think so.

Maybe I was allergic to the herbs.

Maybe the homeopathic did something.

Maybe I'm psychotic. Well, that's a given. It's a prerequisite for any accredited school of medicine in the US because we're in a competition for who can be the least humane, but be inviting.

Since then, I've had some close calls, so I'm not cured yet!

Acupuncture and Chinese Shenanigans

So there I was on break with no direction. I stared at my food in the lunch room - what's next? I had a 2 hour break and I'm sure a million things to do. Then a classmate sat down and started asking me about medical residencies specializing in biofeedback. Greg came in and he is in the neurofeedback group as well. HEY! The clinic's right there - why not?

I headed to the clinic as a patient instead of a medical student. I roamed the halls looking for the shift, but found my friend Sarah.

"Do you need acupuncture?"

I paused. "Do you need a check off?"

"No I just - my shift has one patient today, so you can totally come in and get acupuncture for cheap because you're a student."

Convincing. Well, I was there anyway...

She took my history in that well rounded, oddly charted Chinese way as a new patient with the complaint of, you guessed it, epilepsy. I feel like I should stay up really late and have a seizure just so there can be something more recent on record, but it's not really worth the overwhelming sense of doom that accompanies my bust and move.

She took my pulses and looked at my tongue - important tools in Chinese medicine. I love the tongue one and the nails. The mouth can tell you a lot about a person's health, (as can skin and other overlooked clues). Sarah left and an old Chinese doctor hobbled in and looked me over. He had a very strong accent. He asked me about mucous in my throat and coughing. Epilepsy is a "wind liver" problem and has been called "dian xian" for thousands of years.

Acupuncture hurt.

In between my first two toes, into the tendons of my arms, the inner side of my knees, in the back of my head and, the worst, the side of my big toes. All these correspond to different organs, which are not really the organs we think of. My "spleen is deficient" actually means something entirely unrelated to the organ I know about.

After about 7 minutes, (I estimate because of painful needles sticking out of my skull), a rush came over my body. It felt a little like a seizure, so out of curiosity I tried to let it happen. I snapped out of it because my finger twitched and the needle in my arm tugged - I gasped. I was wide-eyed at the intensity - did that really just happen? It's all about currents of electricity in your body, so it's possible she hit a line Chinese medicine intends to utilize.

I have no idea.

Then we went to herbs. Based on my entire profile, (not just epilepsy + human = Lamictal), my history and presentation, they came up with a mix of 11 herbs seen in the picture above. I have to boil them twice, drink 3 cups a day with meals and chew on a specific dry herb after each cup. It's all very weird, but one must remind oneself that the Chinese, despite their lack of MRIs and machines that go beep, have been treating human disorders for a bajillion.5 years. You'd have to be a pretty self-inflated Westerner to toss out all that knowledge and experience.

Of course modern science knows everything... that's why the solution to your problem lies in lifelong medication.

It's hard to not just stop taking my medication as I go through this process! Seriously.

Pregnancy and Epilepsy

It was Tuesday morning, Ody had the day off and the promise of a day in the shop working with pottery and playing chess over a glass of wine awaited us. Ody’s groggy voice crawled to the bathroom, “Don’t forget to take the pregnancy test, Sweety.”

I groaned. We’d slipped up with the good ol’ barrier method; we got a little lazy once. I didn’t want to go under general anesthesia for a wisdom tooth extraction on the off chance that one time could have, by some stretch of the imagination, created a life within me. Ody got up and went to his computer while I dutifully read the package insert (as if one could screw that up). I peed on the stick as instructed, capped it and set it on the counter.

Immediate plus sign.

There’s got to be some mistake… one time? Did I even ovulate yet?? This was supposed to be a routine screen, just to make us feel better. I put in my contacts, stunned, thinking of how I was going to call Ody in to see the result. At least he could look into my eyes and hold me without my glasses in the way.

And he did just that.

It’s funny how when you get pregnant, you suddenly feel this rush of responsibility. My God, you have to get ready for a new life by April! What about my debt? What about my 2 years of school, residency and starting a medical practice? What about… my epilepsy?

I’ve been taking my folic acid, as always, but I am still on the most toxic class of drugs on the market. Poisons designed to cross the most guarded area of the body – the blood brain barrier. They say that lamotrigine in pregnancy causes nothing but cleft lips… really? Very little is known about the brain. People can’t even predict what the result will be on a child when you drink alcohol during pregnancy. Will they have fetal alcohol syndrome because of one drink? Will they be fine drinking a little wine throughout pregnancy? Results vary depending on the person.

They can’t tell me my baby would be completely unaffected by my anticonvulsants. They’d be irresponsible doctors if they tried.

We took another one a few hours later. My head really hurt and I thought it might be caffeine withdrawal. It came back negative, with a slight debatable vertical line, but I’d also been drinking a bit of water. I called the ND clinic, (awkward since I’ll be working there in 2 weeks with everyone), and they forwarded me to my physician’s answering service so I could have her order a blood test. I broke down in mid-cheery message and tossed the phone after a choked, “O.k.-thank-you-bye.”

Oh. My. God.

Well, as it turns out, I’d been feeling weird for days and had a little unexpected pink tinge on the toilet paper the day before. This can happen when the egg implants, so it was anyone’s guess. I took a picture of the tests hours later with only the small remnants of the evaporating vertical line. The blood test came back negative and the lab was confused. I’m not. I had an early miscarriage (a "chemical pregnancy"). The levels of hormone were enough to measure in the morning as it was filtered out of my blood, but they were steadily decreasing as the fertilized egg let go of its new life. It wasn’t a good home for it, I assume.




Strange how such a terrifying event can turn out to not be true and suddenly be sort of sad. If one assumes this was a “meant to be” event, perhaps it’s time for me to get my things in order in case it happens again. I need to be excellent with money management. I need to get my school goals in line and fill requirements ASAP. I need to see my neurologist and get off of these pills.

Fire in the Kiln!

Ah yes, the familiar jumper cable attached to my ear. As I made my tea this Friday morning, the pink morning clouds airbrushed on the blue canvas sky, I felt the familiar jolt as the second jumper cable tapped a warning. The most uncomfortable silence followed as I paused each time the cable tapped. Would I lose it? Should I to drop everything in fear? I defy you, electricity.

There’s something that everyone with epilepsy and loving bystanders should know.

Stress is not your friend.

I continued to hurry out to dutifully watch the kiln. Ody called from the living room, annoyed, “You really, really have to watch that right now...”

My heart rate escalated and I searched for ways to multitask. Fill teapot while reaching for the rice milk and stevia to poor in my awaiting mug and grab Ody’s lunch. Move. Go.

“You’ve got to get out there...” Impatience emanated from the next room.

Zzap! ...That’s o.k., if I can just get everything ready and be sitting quietly in front of my computer, relaxed the seizures will subside and...”

“Cause this is the most crucial time when the flame gets hot too fast and you really need to get out there...”

Another thing about epilepsy for me is that I have to eat in the morning. I put some sugar under my tongue quickly. Maybe it would diffuse into my bloodstream and put an end to the looming seizure. Pushing the limits of a seizure is like poking an enormous, violent sleeping beast over and over.

“Can you just help me be calm??” I pushed down with my hands as if straining to pull myself up onto a pedestal. “I’m feeling shaky.” Myoclonis, the jumper cables, is my warning sign - miniature seizures. Fear accompanies each one because at any moment, the second cable could make a solid clamp sending me to the floor. There even the most primitive part of my brain on which we all depend on for oxygen would be halted for the episode.

“Well, then maybe we shouldn’t do this today.”

“No.” The hell I’m gonna stop. I get up a few hours early and it tips me into thrashing unconsciousness?? “I’m fine.”

(Not entirely the truth, but I obviously don’t like to be limited by my epilepsy)

People say, “Do seizures do any damage to the brain?” A better question is, “Are you healthy enough to fix the damage that has occurred?”

Finally, I had my tea, my bowl of rice and cinnamon, Ody was out the door (with one last warning) to go to work and leave his weeks of effort, (as well as mine), in the kiln under my seemingly flighty care.

Now I fight to keep the flame from going out and from it passing the 170 degree mark at 8:00. I made it.

The 6-week elimination diet was toughest at events. No alcohol, chips or even homemade corn tortillas makes people feel awkward. Social events involve eating and drinking. They question your sanity really. How could you eat just vegetables, fruits and meat?? No breads or anything to wrap things in. We wrapped our burgers in lettuce.

We both felt better on the diet. Two main contributors were dairy and wheat. Dairy is the repercussion of nursing a cow all my life. It’s no wonder my grandma has diverticuli – small outpouchings in her intestines caused by a lifetime of straining on the toilet. That one is in the genes. Wheat is a foggier line, but it’s apparent when I try to study. Durrrrrr…. Good thing I added it in after the board exams. We’ve gotten lazy since the 6 weeks and have become wine conessuers via youtube instruction on wine tasting.

More on that later. Moral of today, however, is that when you’re around someone with epilepsy, try not to keep things chill.

Dinner and a Breakfast Shake (the edible kind)

Still in the first week of the diet with Ody. My tongue is sore...

But first! What CAN we eat?? Last night I threw some wild rice in my illegible Japanese rice cooker and got out some vegetables. We bought elk sausage at the farmers market and slapped that on the grill, (not entirely impressed - such lean meat needs to be in a vat of something. It was pretty dry.) Then...

We made Veggie Kabobs:



Slice zucchini
Cut onion into quarters
Take the stumps off the mushrooms

AND if you weren't over-prepared for stirfry, (having already sliced the green peppers), cut large chunks to fit on the skewer.

The Sauce:

3 tbs Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 tbs Sesame Oil
1 tsp Mrs. Dash seasoning (your choice which)
1/2 tsp pepper

Stir and plop as many vegetables as possible into the bowl, slurping up the spices as much as possible. If you want to use fresh herbs, sprinkle them on at the end after a little olive oil brush. Otherwise, they'll just burn. Stab relentlessly with skewer.

GRILL! 15-20 min

Really good and easy! The rice needed something - Ody choked it down. With no butter, cheese, cream and what have you, we were limited. Again, boil/steam your low fat meats. We can't afford to eat elk everyday, but now we know.


In the morning, we had our shakes:

1 1/2 cups Rice milk
1/4 cup walnuts
sprinkle of bee pollen (if it's around...)
1/2 banana
1 scoop of a shake, (whey powder, ClearDetox or omit this)
(blend)
1/2 cup frozen mixed berries
1/4 cup finely chopped beats
1 tbs cod liver oil, (lemon or orange flavor works except it's technically "citrus")
1 tbs Honey

Once you start going with smoothies, you pretty much start assembling your options into one area and toss them in as necessary each morning.


Note on Optional Powders
I'm doing the ClearDetox in my shakes, but I don't suggest following in my footsteps if you're on anticonvulsants. I haven't had a big seizure in years and the little guys are just annoying. Best to ask a doc if you're not sure. Seizure meds are poison to the body and by upregulating the way your body gets rid of poisons, you could lower your blood levels.

The Whey Powder is one way you can get protein in the morning and keep from tanking out on energy during the day. Nuts are good for that too.

*Powders and formulas are expensive and largely unnecessary. I'm doing something special for a few weeks, but I won't always add something that's been manufactured for me to shakes. Fresh, organic produce is spendy enough anyway!

The Detox Plan

It's time!

We made it through 2nd year naturopathic medical school - the year you hear about from day 1.
"Shell shocked" comes to mind.

Now it's time for some body & mind work. I'm going to be studying 7-12 hours a day for the board exam this summer, but this brings something to the plate.

It's never a good time to change the way you live.

It's not a good time to quit coffee - are you nuts? I've got deadlines. It's not a good time to get more sleep - too busy. Chocolate, candy and pastries are my coping devices; I can't drop those at a time like this! ...but I could say that at any given point in my life because I choose to live with my deadlines. Maybe it is true for you too.

So, we started... well, I half started and Ody called me out. He says if we're going to do it, we should "go hardcore". This is true because if the rules are already bent, it's really easy to bend them further.



First - the Elimination Diet:

Designed to eliminate all possible allergens and inflammatory inducing foods. Epilepsy, allergies, asthma and eczema are all inflammatory conditions. Some may argue about epilepsy because we don't know much about the brain. Great topic to induce intelligent people to squabble like 4 year olds. Reducing inflammation makes you feel more energetic and decreases symptoms of all sorts. I'd say that's important.

I read the list to Ody - I decided to list the "have-nots" first:

1. Gluten containing grains: wheat, oats, barely, rye, spelt, kamut (last one isn't hard to cut!)
2. Dairy Products: milk, cheese, yogurt, cream, butter, etc
3. Eggs & egg substitutes (RIGHT after I bought eggs)
4. Corn & corn products
5. Processed meats or meats not organic/hormone free
6. Shellfish & farm raised fish
7. Soy products
8. Citrus fruits, strawberries, pineapple & others you're sensitive to
9. Peanuts & peanut butter
10. Partially hydrogenated oils (vegetable shortening & margarine), Refined vegetable oils, (corn, safflower, sunflower, canola, lite olive oil)
11. Artificial colorings, flavorings, sugars and sweeteners; high fructose corn syrup and foods and beverages high in sugar
12. Any foods high in preservatives, chemicals or antibiotics
13. Alcohol, caffeine

O.k., that pretty much takes you down to roots and grass, right? Here's what we can eat:

1. Brown rice, vermicelli, rice crackers and products, millet, quinoa, amaranth (?), baked sweet potatoes.
2. Legumes, (no soy), like kidney & navy beans, peas, lentils
3. Rice or nut milks
4. Fresh organic vegetables & juices (no corn) Best for your liver detox: cabbage, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, asparagus & broccoli.
   
5. Organic, free range (pesticide & hormone free), meat sources and wild fish like salmon or halibut
6. Fresh organic fruits, (except for the no-no list)
   
7. Almonds, raw pumpkin seeds, walnuts, cashews, nut butters - except if you're allergic or think you might be
8. Unrefined extra virgin olive oil, flaxseed oil and sesame oil
9. 8 or more 8oz glasses of water each day
10. Decaf tea (organic) is o.k.

"Meats are best grilled, sauteed or baked"
I'd add "poached" to the list and say that grilling should be done minimally as red meat creates carcinogens when it is burned. Pink always made me nervous, but I learned this year that it's better then well-done.

"Vegetables should be steamed, sauteed or eaten raw"
Great way to eat them, we've found, is with hummus. Serious hummus action.

After a month, foods can be added in every 2-3 days to see how you handle it. It's much less expensive than allergy testing. You know your body & allergy tests can be wrong.

We're also doing 45 minute castor oil packs at night & exercising/stretching.

The above is a great way to start and is less expensive than adding the supplements. Supplements are also controversial because you'd think your body can handle detox on it's own given the right food. I'm doing it for a few weeks & going back to the diet.



Supplements:

Pure encapsulations: ClearDetox
This has some great herbs like milk thistle, artichoke, tumeric, greater celandine & barberry. It also has a blend of nutrients including magnesium and amino acids. A blend of glutathione, n-acetyl-cysteine, alpha lipoic acid and methylsulfonylmethane are included. These are necessary for the phase I and II detoxification pathways. Phase II is the one inhibited by alcohol, so beer and wine are out of the picture.
Taken with breakfast and lunch. * I take it an hour or so after my anticonvulsants * I add walnuts, berries, melon, banana, cod liver oil and bee pollen. Crazy mix - goin' all out.

Omnivite
You know a good vitamin when it comes in capsules and you have to take 3 at a time. Packing it into one pill makes things biologically unavailable and processed. No iron - Ody has no way to get rid of it like menstruating females do & it can do a lot of damage.

Probiotics
Essential for great gut flora. 80% of your immune system is in your gut. It's a good thing to supply healthy bacteria to coexist with it. They make vitamins and crowd out the bugs that make you sick.

Folic acid
My anticonvulsants boot folic acid from it's spot. Supplementing boots it back.

Milk Thistle & Dandelion capsules
For before bed when our livers really get to work.

Whew! That's enough for now. Yesterday I had a CRAZY headache. Maybe it's the lack of caffeine? It's an experiment.

Ode to thy bagel.

How I love you, Bagel
In the morning at sunrise.
Your greeting with coffee
brings light to my eyes.

So long have I been with you
Even across land and sea
It seems strange I must leave you
Strange that you're bad for me.

I can't write more - it's much to emotional. You see, I recently had a breakout of eczema on my hand between the webs of my fingers. Eczema, allergies, asthma and epilepsy have a strange relationship to each other. One only needs to do a few Pubmed searches to explore the odd correlations and doctors I have talked to say they see the relationship commonly. More children with epilepsy seem to also have more allergies and eczema. It's known that suppression of eczema with steroids can increase the incidence of asthma. Perhaps it's not a coincidence that these conditions are often treated with the same anti-inflammatory nutrients & herbs.

I have to have science to back things up if I am to change my life drastically, BUT since we know very little in the realm of neurology, I don't discredit theories unproven to science snobs.

Sadly, the magical eight ball of life seems to be replying to my question if I should pursue this change with, "Signs point to yes."

PLUS I had amazing doubled over pain from my ileocecal valve. That's the valve that separates your large and small intestines in your right lower section of your abdomen. It prevents backflow and is easily irritated. Apparently not a fan of my recent dietary habits.

The Lancet journal came out with a study about gluten and neurological disorders recently. They lumped neurological disorders into one mysterious camp with epilepsy being one of the conditions. Gluten seems to be a trendy dietary alteration these days, so I'm cautious about the validity... alas, the research showed that 50% of the neurological problems got better by coming off of gluten.

Gluten is in everything. Gluten, corn, soy, sugar and milk are the staples of the American diet. Guess what literature and research shows about what a person with epilepsy should try giving up. Gluten, sugar and milk are the big ones I've found so far. One thing at a time.

The eczema, an intensely itchy rash that causes me to ponder gnawing my hand off, is also most likely related to detoxification. I recently started taking milk thistle and dandelion supplements along with nightly castor oil packs to my liver, (forcing me to relax for an hour every night), that I suspect of starting the whole thing. The reaction is going away on its own after halting gluten and the detoxification regimen.

This is no time to have a healing crisis. I have 2 weeks of finals ahead of me.

The first set of board exams are this summer. Many students study for 8 hours a day for 2 months nearly every day of the week. Residency and being a more efficient doctor hinges on integrating all the medical information we've learned in the past 2 years. I could easily say that this isn't the time to come off of gluten because it's much too difficult when I'm under pressure.

Spoken like a true addict.

I feel funny. My head hasn't been working to it's best ability all day. I'm trying to study the kidney here and all I can do is chew on my lip and concentrate on important things like monkeys and pilgrims. I realized that I didn't take my anticonvulsants this morning and I had a hell of a diet last night, so that might have something to do with the fog. I wonder what life will be like when I come out of the fog at 7:30am to be tested on glomerularnephritis and nephrotoxic disorders. Should be interesting.

Ah, the kidney. Fun thing about medical school is that you get to learn about how toxic all the drugs you take are. I'm finding out how my kidneys are reacting to my anticonvulsants. Neato. This makes my wee ears peak a little more than the liver because I've been banking on my liver to just rejenerate after medical school. Kidneys have a little harder of a time with that part. It's an odd feeling to be sitting in class hearing about the side effects of the various medications I've been on over the years. What do you mean that makes your gums grow over your teeth?? My kidneys are these quivering little beans within me. They hold such delicate structures, balancing ions this way and that like an assembly line at a sushi bar.

...too bad I'm poisoning them.

In Chinese medicine, I have problems with my "kidney" which isn't really talking about the organ exactly. It's this enigmatic thing that I refuse to double major for. Some of my friends are going for their Chinese medicine degrees as well, so they told me that grey hair reflects your kidney chi and whatnot. I'm the shortest in my family, only one with epilepsy and the only premature gray goose. Wonder where all that started - meds or pre-meds? Ah, I just had flashbacks to being a premed... that's probably where the gray started.

So, I'm going to drink more water. This helps every system in the body & I'll probably rave about the magical substance several thousand times in hope that my one fan - I know you're out there mom - will read it and drink more. The laundry list of "thou shalt change this" for epilepsy is VERY long. I've got plenty of places to start, lemme tell ya. Water's a good one. At least my kidneys don't have to work to recycle water while I poison them. Hold on little fellers!

Anyway, there's a gruesome picture of a dissected kidney staring at me from a book, so it's back to it!!

The beginning of The Epilepsy Cure - my story

The kitchen light illuminated the mobile home in the dark early morning. Even the cows had not begun to wake up. The roosters, perpetually confused as to what time it was, had already woken up at 3am to announce the day before going to sleep again. Only my mother and I were awake. My 2 sisters were not in any mood to get up before it was absolutely necessary to make the trek to school. My stepfather snored loudly from the bedroom.

"Morning," I said as my mother passed me in her peach bathrobe.

"Morning." She shuffled past me to the coffee pot.

I moved out of her way. I got some milk out of the refrigerator and started to walk back to the bathroom. Then something odd happened. I shook. It was like an invisible being had hit my arm, sending the milk flying from my helpless hand.

My mom jumped.

What happened? I looked quickly at my arm and then on the milk, which had at least spilled on the linoleum. The carpet had maintained a light beige color for the most part and my mom was very intent on keeping it that way. She hated it when the goat got inside.

"Sorry..."

"What are you doing??"

"I don't know... I just..." I rushed for a towel and dotted the drops on the prized carpet first. "Sorry."

My mother went on grumbling something, but like any good 14 year old I turned her voice down in my head to listen to my own thoughts as I sopped up the lake of milk. At least it wasn't glass. I didn't understand what had just happened, but I knew it was a crappy start to a morning.

I went into the bathroom and that's where I exit the scene.

To me, a seizure is the most frightening experience I can think of - by far. As risky as I was in the past, absolutely nothing has made me feel the pure, thick fear of a seizure. It feels like something very, very dark and sinister slipping into my body as if I were a glove. It could also be likened to the movie the Matrix when Mr. Smith, (who has epilepsy, by the way), takes over a human's body, electric pulses eliminating the guy being replaced. Sometimes it happens in slow motion and I look at my arms locking up, knowing that I'm not in control of them anymore. I can't move. I can't cry out for help. I am alone with the beast inside of me. I can see why people thought that epilepsy was demon possession because that is exactly how I would imagine it could feel. There is nothing like it, but I have come to know this grim feeling well since that morning in the bathroom.

Everything went black and I can't remember anything more about that day.

My mother heard me fall, my head dropping like an egg onto the bathtub and my body crumbling limp to the floor. My body blocked the door to the small bathroom. My mom came running to see what had happened, but could only watch helplessly at the door as I thrashed on the floor, pounding myself between the bathtub, toilet and wall. I now know what it would feel like to have a battle with myself. I'm stronger than I had estimated. Blood and saliva trickled from my face as I bit my tongue hard, completely unconscious.

After minutes of watching, horrified and most likely screaming, my mother saw me clentch every muscle in my body through the crack in the door. I started to turn blue. I wasn't breathing. My mother tried to get in, but my neck was now bent awkwardly against the door. She struggled to reach in to move my body, fearing that my neck could break if she shoved open the door. Still frantically reaching her arm through the crack in the door to push my shoulder down so she could get to me, I stopped, started to breath and my face regaining its pink tone.

It took about 3 minutes. That is a long time for a mother to watch helplessly as her baby looks like she's violently dying before her very eyes.

I have no recollection of falling, convulsing, getting back up or the rest of the day. The days that followed were foggy.

This was my first seizure in front of someone. A few months earlier I had stayed up late at a friend's house and I was found acting very strangely in the morning after I had had an unseen seizure. I was not speaking, kept climbing and falling down the stairs. I did things like brain sucker impressions on people as my friend's family watched concerned. Taken down to a chimp-like and cuddly level, my brain tried to get its bearings on the situation. The doctor I saw said I was on drugs, which did nothing to help the tension at home. I could be very dramatic and depressed - the last thing I needed was for my family to think I was getting into drugs. This seizure, however, was quite clear. A cascade of hospitalizations, EEGs and an MRI followed. I was immediately put on dilantin, an anticonvulsant with side effects I am now learning in medical school. Now I really am on drugs. Highly addictive, mind altering drugs... and they're not even fun.

"You have epilepsy," my neurologist told me. "This is not something that goes away. You're going to have to be on these medications for the rest of your life."

Translation: "We don't know why you have seizures, so we're going to stop asking 'why'. You are not an individual because that is much too complicated and I don't have the time for it."


There are over 150 causes for epilepsy. By Congress's accounting office, only 20% of conventional treatments have been proved. Money governs the way we feel about disease. If you believe what is slathered on billboards and commercials, your body - unlike your ancestors before you - cannot function on it's own. You need medication, vaccines and possibly a gastric bypass surgery to have any kind of normal life.

That same doctor told me that I should never go to medical school because it is much too strenuous for an epileptic. Thank God my school doesn't know that; I'm one of the best breakdancers there.

Doctors can be wrong. They aren't all blathering idiots - the vast majority of patients, including myself for over a decade, do the bare minimum in order to combat their disorder and they are merely playing the odds. Doctors, as a whole, are altruistic and caring. For both patients and doctors, taking pills is easy.

Then you start to notice side effects -

• jerking movements of the eyes
• decreased coordination
• shaking of the hands
• slowed thinking and movement
• memory problems
• slurred speech
• poor concentration
• constipation
• nausea
• decreased libido
• insomnia
  
• personality changes
  
• overgrowth of the gums
• excessive hair on the face or body
• acne
• coarseness of facial features
• bone disease
• anemia
• liver damage
  

...and so on. Suddenly, living like humans have for centuries getting exercise, sunlight, sleep, raw foods and water doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

Even if you don't have epilepsy, you can follow me on my path. Many changes I make are applicable to everyone. I will be under the guidance of several naturopathic physicians, a neurologist, a homeopath, a psychologist, a dentist and a doctor of oriental medicine & acupuncture. This is my team.

This is not going to be easy. It's not going to be fast. But I will come out of it able to tell my patients, "If you can find the drive inside of yourself - and it is there - you can do anything you want to do. You just have to put your mind to it."