Choppity

So I decided to continue my course, but then I did a very thoughtless, (or unconsciously purposeful), move. I didn't chop my pills in half! I was taking them this morning, feeling rather "normal" when I realized that for the past day I was taking 100mg, twice a day. Crap! Just automatic.

I like to fluctuate my blood levels of anticonvulsant medication. It's fun.

So, I made a conscious decision to take 3/4 pill for the next few weeks. That cuts me down by a very rough estimate of 50mg/day. I have to get through midterms anyway and that's a lot of stress.

Bummer.

Ugh.

I am so tired and down - just was reminded that I actually don't function like a regular human being. It's fun to pretend and all...

I tapered myself off another 100mgs. Fast taper, I know - maybe I should have waited a week to come down from 1 pill to 3/4 of a pill. I got impatient and lazy about chopping. If I knew it was going to chop the same quantity consistently, perhaps this would be more appealing.

My argument for discontinuing my medication, like most people with chronic medications for the brain, was that it isn't doing anything, it's expensive, provides inconvenient dependence and doesn't make you feel great. I don't have too many side effects, if at any, to complain about except for the fact that I know the pathways in the body that are effected by my drugs now. It's troublesome being dependent - like when I nearly got snowed in in Boston this year and didn't have a weeks worth of pills on me.

I went to a seminar today on natural treatments of women's cancers, came home and started to cook. Quaint, not a lot of stress. But as I tipped my head back to take a drink of my fiber detox concoction, ZAP!

I had brown chunky fiber all over my chest. I stood there in disbelief. I totally forgot about the myoclonis - the very thing I believe my doctor was actually treating. I kind of lumped it together; myoclonis was a step to the mac daddy. It's just a warning sign. As the brown liquid dripped slowly onto the kitchen floor, reality sunk in.

Usually, my myoclonis is subtle with an eerie feeling of wrongness. That means I should get back to bed or whatever and it's usually in the morning. This was entirely night time, not tired, feeling relaxed AND, the biggest part, it was not subtle. What if I spilled all over myself every day? What if I threw my laptop? What if I was driving along??

Sucks.

Maybe it's because:
I pushed the tapering too fast
I had plenty of sugar
I had plenty of coffee
I ate bread (gluten)
I got up early
I used a lot of brain power at the seminar

I... I... well, it wouldn't have happened if I were on my pills the way I have been for years and that I know. I was reminded today that these pills are doing something - even if it feels like I'm completely normal and they're the problem.

:(

So, I'm going to have some rose hip and peony root tea while I do a castor oil pack and think about my next move. I was so excited - a whole list of things, plans, etc. What a reminder.

I came to a disappointing conclusion the other day. No one will actually take me off of my medications. Maybe I have this opinion because I'm haunted by my juvenile experience with my neurologist who said I'd be on them for life. I'm probably overly sensitive to the 5 doctors who told me they wouldn't. Still, I have discovered that the majority of doctors, even those skilled with decades of healthcare behind them, will not take on the liability of a non-medicated Epileptic. It doesn't matter the type, circumstance or what have you. I am a convulsion waiting to happen. That is my very being.

SO, that's unfortunate. I thought, "o.k., I'm being impatient. I haven't been good about my diet, sleep, caffeine... well nothing's perfect. Maybe I will wait for all that."

Today I looked at my bank account though. I don't have $400 to refill my prescription. (One more reason for socialized healthcare, right? I strongly disagree) What I CAN do though, is buy a $12 tincture of herbs that work on the same neurotransmitter receptor. In order to have enough time for delivery of drugs (from our neighboring country) if I start convulsing again, I'm going to have to make a decision fast.

Against doctors orders, I previously cut down my meds by 100mg. That's significant because I was only on 300mg. Now I'm on 200mg, which is pretty tiny. Typical dose is 100-400mg WITH another type of anticonvulsant, which has shown a reduction in seizures in this study. I liked this assessment, which was geared at rejoicing for the fact that you can give a 2 year old more mind altering drugs as it is used as an adjunctive therapy to others. Now lets look at something though:

Now, that's great and all, but would you look at that placebo!!! Holy cow - does no one notice the power of the mind has 43% effect in lowering your seizures!

That's awesome. THE most natural medicine there is - our body/mind, doing it's thing.

This study gives me hope that with a little bit of nervine herbs and some good old fashioned belief, I can come off of my meds sooner than later.

Because of the reaction I received from people in my life, I have chosen not to tell them anymore. They know my intention at some point, but the last thing I need is for everyone to ask, "How are you doing today" while they eye me suspiciously for signs of death. I think that their thoughts really do impact the way things turn out - a massive intention experience. Perhaps it's just that I pick up on the tone in the air and my subconscious churns out doubt.

I'm going for it.

Inflammatory Remarks

Just a quick thought. We were talking about antidepressant in pharmacology class today and brain inflammation came up, (darned side effects). This inflammation on the brain can result in seizures - one drug in particular didn't just lower the seizure threshold of people with epilepsy who take the pill, but actually caused them due to toxicity.

I thought of when I heard that such a large percentage of people with neurological conditions improve with the removal of gluten. Now, by removing gluten, you're removing A LOT. You're taking out processed foods and eating more whole foods. Since grains are so limited, you're forced to eat more veggies and so on. Pretty soon, you've cut out many inflammatory foods. That is to say, the excess of foods & proteins that cause tiny immune reactions that add up over time.

Maybe the anti-inflammatory diet works because seizures can be a result of the inflammation a typical diet causes.

Homeopathy & Post Treatment Blues

A lot has happened.

The same day as my introduction to Chinese medicine, I started taking a remedy discussed in homeopathy. I've done this before because other remedies kind of looked like me.

I'm talking about magic, a.k.a. homeopathy. We are forced to go through, even the most randomized control research study lovers, 5 courses of homeopathy to get through naturopathic school. For many, this is a big issue; others gravitate towards it. I figured if I'm going to be spending so much time on it, I may as well open my mind to the practice, despite its incredulous base. Lots of people I respect as physicians practice homeopathy. I just pretend I'm at Hogwart's and long for required black robes and broom sticks.

Homeopathy is magic because it's not understood in our current frame of reality. Homeopaths explain that the rabbit comes out of the hat by means of energy. Let's take a substance that makes you convulse - maybe some mushroom in the Amazon. Some poor sap takes it and records all feelings, dreams, physical symptoms, (including convulsion), and hopefully recovers. All of it's recorded and different poor saps log their results at the same time. In the end they come together and compare notes - "oh, you felt depressed and melancholy too?" and "Seriously? You dreamed of a rabid dog?"


Then we take the shroom, mix it up in alcohol and dilute it down to the point that modern science can't even measure an atom of substance in it, each step whacking it on the counter hundreds of times to increase the energy within the vial. We tease Father Andrew in our class, who despises homeopathy for it's lack of evidence & consistency, that he should take some holy water and beat it on the Bible to make it more potent so he can arm himself before entering the classroom.



We take one drop and put it in a vial of sugar pills, shake it up and wait for someone to come in saying "I'm melancholy, depressed and I have seizures... oh, I also have had this dream of this rabid dog since I was a kid." I'm oversimplifying, but that's basically the concept. We give him the remedy and miraculously, his seizures go away, he's happy, no more nightmares and he also rekindles a relationship with his mother and is free of his unmentioned back pain. The remedy would have caused his symptoms in a high dose, but giving him the tiny dose was like showing his body/mind the direction he was headed for so long. It's like you've been walking straight for a long time not noticing that you're slightly going to the left. The remedy comes up and shoves you from behind in the direction you were going, you turn around to fight it and see that you've been going left this whole time. You correct.

I started taking a remedy, (even if it's placebo & I cure my epilepsy, I ain't going blind researching how it did it), and my ancient Chinese herb formula at the same time - both of which, mind you, are proclaimed useless by today's powerful pharmaceutical companies.

THEN...

It awoke the beast.

I don't know which one did it & I forgot that I'd taken both. Over the week I started getting depressed. I responded really dramatically to little stressors, (moreso than usual by far). I knew I should have been embarrassed - hold it together at least in public! - but I simply wasn't. I didn't give a flying orangutan. Not one. All was lost. I started having night terrors. I felt absolutely... like I did right before my seizures started when I was 14 years old.

There I am on Saturday morning giving CPR to a fake baby in class and I start to twitch - sudden jolts shake the baby and I quickly threw the plastic bundle of joy on my partner’s lap and breathed in, stunned. I just wanted to get away from everyone. I was one of the last ones out that day because I was having a really hard time comprehending the relatively easy CPR exam.

Anyway, twitching, nightmares and having deep depression for no real reason was very unexpected. There’s a theory of unraveling issues – like peeling back an onion of sickness. The theory is that all pathology results from yourself trying to deal. It builds pathology - sure, you don't have the rash you had chronically as a kid, now you have asthma. It's all about the immune system. Would it surprise you if when you lift one weight off the body, it goes lifts in stages to the next obstacle? That is, once you get rid of the asthma (which many medicine practices around the world say they can) you would get your eczema back.

Did I mention I got a very weird itchy rash that I thought might be fungus or something? Strange pattern on my whole body - I don't think so.

Maybe I was allergic to the herbs.

Maybe the homeopathic did something.

Maybe I'm psychotic. Well, that's a given. It's a prerequisite for any accredited school of medicine in the US because we're in a competition for who can be the least humane, but be inviting.

Since then, I've had some close calls, so I'm not cured yet!

Acupuncture and Chinese Shenanigans

So there I was on break with no direction. I stared at my food in the lunch room - what's next? I had a 2 hour break and I'm sure a million things to do. Then a classmate sat down and started asking me about medical residencies specializing in biofeedback. Greg came in and he is in the neurofeedback group as well. HEY! The clinic's right there - why not?

I headed to the clinic as a patient instead of a medical student. I roamed the halls looking for the shift, but found my friend Sarah.

"Do you need acupuncture?"

I paused. "Do you need a check off?"

"No I just - my shift has one patient today, so you can totally come in and get acupuncture for cheap because you're a student."

Convincing. Well, I was there anyway...

She took my history in that well rounded, oddly charted Chinese way as a new patient with the complaint of, you guessed it, epilepsy. I feel like I should stay up really late and have a seizure just so there can be something more recent on record, but it's not really worth the overwhelming sense of doom that accompanies my bust and move.

She took my pulses and looked at my tongue - important tools in Chinese medicine. I love the tongue one and the nails. The mouth can tell you a lot about a person's health, (as can skin and other overlooked clues). Sarah left and an old Chinese doctor hobbled in and looked me over. He had a very strong accent. He asked me about mucous in my throat and coughing. Epilepsy is a "wind liver" problem and has been called "dian xian" for thousands of years.

Acupuncture hurt.

In between my first two toes, into the tendons of my arms, the inner side of my knees, in the back of my head and, the worst, the side of my big toes. All these correspond to different organs, which are not really the organs we think of. My "spleen is deficient" actually means something entirely unrelated to the organ I know about.

After about 7 minutes, (I estimate because of painful needles sticking out of my skull), a rush came over my body. It felt a little like a seizure, so out of curiosity I tried to let it happen. I snapped out of it because my finger twitched and the needle in my arm tugged - I gasped. I was wide-eyed at the intensity - did that really just happen? It's all about currents of electricity in your body, so it's possible she hit a line Chinese medicine intends to utilize.

I have no idea.

Then we went to herbs. Based on my entire profile, (not just epilepsy + human = Lamictal), my history and presentation, they came up with a mix of 11 herbs seen in the picture above. I have to boil them twice, drink 3 cups a day with meals and chew on a specific dry herb after each cup. It's all very weird, but one must remind oneself that the Chinese, despite their lack of MRIs and machines that go beep, have been treating human disorders for a bajillion.5 years. You'd have to be a pretty self-inflated Westerner to toss out all that knowledge and experience.

Of course modern science knows everything... that's why the solution to your problem lies in lifelong medication.

It's hard to not just stop taking my medication as I go through this process! Seriously.

Pregnancy and Epilepsy

It was Tuesday morning, Ody had the day off and the promise of a day in the shop working with pottery and playing chess over a glass of wine awaited us. Ody’s groggy voice crawled to the bathroom, “Don’t forget to take the pregnancy test, Sweety.”

I groaned. We’d slipped up with the good ol’ barrier method; we got a little lazy once. I didn’t want to go under general anesthesia for a wisdom tooth extraction on the off chance that one time could have, by some stretch of the imagination, created a life within me. Ody got up and went to his computer while I dutifully read the package insert (as if one could screw that up). I peed on the stick as instructed, capped it and set it on the counter.

Immediate plus sign.

There’s got to be some mistake… one time? Did I even ovulate yet?? This was supposed to be a routine screen, just to make us feel better. I put in my contacts, stunned, thinking of how I was going to call Ody in to see the result. At least he could look into my eyes and hold me without my glasses in the way.

And he did just that.

It’s funny how when you get pregnant, you suddenly feel this rush of responsibility. My God, you have to get ready for a new life by April! What about my debt? What about my 2 years of school, residency and starting a medical practice? What about… my epilepsy?

I’ve been taking my folic acid, as always, but I am still on the most toxic class of drugs on the market. Poisons designed to cross the most guarded area of the body – the blood brain barrier. They say that lamotrigine in pregnancy causes nothing but cleft lips… really? Very little is known about the brain. People can’t even predict what the result will be on a child when you drink alcohol during pregnancy. Will they have fetal alcohol syndrome because of one drink? Will they be fine drinking a little wine throughout pregnancy? Results vary depending on the person.

They can’t tell me my baby would be completely unaffected by my anticonvulsants. They’d be irresponsible doctors if they tried.

We took another one a few hours later. My head really hurt and I thought it might be caffeine withdrawal. It came back negative, with a slight debatable vertical line, but I’d also been drinking a bit of water. I called the ND clinic, (awkward since I’ll be working there in 2 weeks with everyone), and they forwarded me to my physician’s answering service so I could have her order a blood test. I broke down in mid-cheery message and tossed the phone after a choked, “O.k.-thank-you-bye.”

Oh. My. God.

Well, as it turns out, I’d been feeling weird for days and had a little unexpected pink tinge on the toilet paper the day before. This can happen when the egg implants, so it was anyone’s guess. I took a picture of the tests hours later with only the small remnants of the evaporating vertical line. The blood test came back negative and the lab was confused. I’m not. I had an early miscarriage (a "chemical pregnancy"). The levels of hormone were enough to measure in the morning as it was filtered out of my blood, but they were steadily decreasing as the fertilized egg let go of its new life. It wasn’t a good home for it, I assume.




Strange how such a terrifying event can turn out to not be true and suddenly be sort of sad. If one assumes this was a “meant to be” event, perhaps it’s time for me to get my things in order in case it happens again. I need to be excellent with money management. I need to get my school goals in line and fill requirements ASAP. I need to see my neurologist and get off of these pills.